The fact of the matter is, most of the time, it feels pretty shit. I have felt pretty shit for the last few days and it's come after a bout of feeling 'normal' and ok for a while.
I have come to a crossroads in my life where I don't know if this change in Dee should affect what I decide to do next (and this is a crucial decision at twenty-four years old). Do I stick around and create a gap in my own life where I've not taken the routes I want to? (which would mean spending long bouts of time away from her and Father) Or do I create a gap in Dee's life where I am primarily not accessible at a time when I should really be making the most of our relationship before she passes the 'window of opportunity'? (as Aunty likes to put it.) Am I supposed to stick around and be supportive or am I allowed to be selfish and take off and live my life?
A complicated question never has a simple answer- that was one thing I learnt from Maths A Level, and most of the time I would go down the wrong tangent and end up with the wrong answer so for now, I must I must return to my original subject.
I've concluded that Dee's gaps in her memory are what makes it difficult for her to process every day things. This may sound obvious to most but to myself this is a bit of a revelation. I always believed that her deteriorating thought processes and loss of memory were different symptoms of the disease and not directly linked, but now my feelings have changed. In fact, in every conversation had with Father, we have always been quick to subconsciously distinguish between the two. But what I've realised is that every thought process can be taught - even if you don't understand how something works, you can still understand how to work it. And it's this that Dee struggles with.
Turning on the television has become an (ironically) unforgettable experience for me. Phones, ipods, any piece of electrical equipment nearby that may resemble a remote in any abstract way has fallen victim to Dee's attempts at turning on the TV. I have often come down in the morning before work and found the telly still on because she hasn't been able to turn it off. I know the hippy in her would be screaming out for her to do it, but she's either forgotten how to turn it off or forgotten the hippyish consequences she used to instil in myself and Brother when we were growing up.
Oh well. Turning off televisions aren't such a big deal. I'm hoping I have a lot of time before things become more serious, and I'm definitely hoping there's a gap in which I can escape and return unnoticed.
